This has to be addressed before the USC-Ohio State game kicks off (which means I have exactly 38 seconds to write this article. Watch the grammar and punctuation devolve as I near the finish line)…
The Portland Trail Blazers had Greg Ostertag work out for them last week as a possible replacement for injured rookie Jeff Pendergraph.
Let that sink in and marinate for a minute…
This is kind of like President Obama appointing Wyatt Earp to be his National Security Advisor. Ostertag has been so irrelevent the last few years in the basketball world that he might as well be the long-dead cowboy.
The similarity between the two doesn’t end there. Notice the grainy black and white photograph of Earp above this paragraph? Color film was still in it’s nascence the last time Ostertag scored a point. Every basket he’s made has been in black and white.
For people unfamiliar with who exactly Greg Ostertag is, remember the big white guy Jerry Sloan used to scream at? That was him. Still unsure? Google Image any NBA player’s name; Ostertag will be the guy getting dunked on in the picture.
Even Sabonis dunked on him
It’s hard to imagine how Ostertag can help the organization. I doubt the locker room would listen to him as a veteran leader and any on-court production he could provide would be minimal. Maybe he gives really good back rubs.
Because it’s the greatest thing I’ve seen since LaGarrette Blount punched that guy here is the address to Channing Frye’s blog.
I should add that I don’t condone what Blount did. He embarassed the program and should be at minimum suspended. It’ll be interesting to see how this affects the program going forward (this season and beyond). A savvy person might see this incident as a way to make a national statement that players are held accountable at Oregon. Nice little recruiting pitch to parents in the future, right?
Someone wanted me to write about losing Channing Frye to Phoenix and because I’d like them to maybe visit once or twice again I’ll oblige. That’s called customer service, ladies and gentlemen. Since Channing was a quirky guy I’ll go the same route in my analysis. Without further ado, a haiku about Channing.
A streaky shooter
He resembled Nick Cannon
Will be missed somewhat
And how about a limerick?
Had a girl’s name
And a girl’s game?
His good nature made me all smiley
But he probably couldn’t guard Ruth Riley
Won’t make Hall of Fame.
All teasing aside I think Channing is a great guy and a good player who has yet to find the right situation. Hope it’s in Phoenix.
The Good: Finally getting healthy, has shown flashes of dominance when on the court. Already a dominant rebounder.
The Bad: Dakota Fanning has been on the court about as much as Oden. And she probably has about as good of a jump hook.
The Ugly: Picture to the left is probably the best “action” shot of his young basketball career so far. Is both a babe magnet (see left) and, unfortunately, a foul magnet (see historic foul rate)
The Good: Fan favorite who already holds an NBA record. Really nice hair. Sweet chin stubble.
The Bad: Who will buy matching sweaters with him now that Sergio is gone? Spindly body almost snapped in half when Trevor “Just Call Me Jerome James 2.0” Ariza took him out… what will happen if Greg accidentally sits on him?
The Ugly: Most other NBA players by comparison (is it too obvious I have a man crush on him?).
With the NBA season fast approaching it’s time to assess the Blazers’ prospects. This is a highly objective (and by that I mean viewed through red-tinted sunglasses with my Greg Oden bobblehead inches away) analysis of each player on the team and what they will bring, The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly style.
The Good: One of the best players in the league, leader of this team for the next decade.
The Bad: Paul Allen’s billions have yet to figure out a way to clone him. I’ve already decided to name my first child Roy and my second Brandon (in that order so no one thinks I’m too weird)
The Ugly: I’ll name my first two kids Roy and Brandon regardless of their gender.
The Good: Rasheed Wallace without the sociopathic tendencies. Also has a variety of cool nicknames (L-Train, LMA, Llama).
The Bad: Still hasn’t signed an extension. Could this become a problem going forward?
The Ugly: How he runs. Bambi looks like Usain Bolt in comparison.